Things that got worse…

Tornadoes
THE STORY: A day after powerful storms moved through Oklahoma and the Midwest, a huge tornado ripped through towns near Oklahoma City, killing at least 51.

THE WHAT: The reportedly two-mile wide (VERY big) storm flattened homes and schools, destroying neighborhoods and lives. At least seven of the dead were children at an elementary school, and two dozen more children are missing. Many are trapped in rubble and rescuers were working frantically to save lives.

theSKIMM: Sometimes Mother Nature is actually just a b*tch.

CAN I HELP? Yes.

The IRS Scandal
THE STORY: Some people in the White House knew about the report on the IRS’s scandalous actions before it came out, but did not tell the president.

WHAT DID THE IRS DO AGAIN? The tax man improperly targeted some conservative groups with names like “tea party” and “patriot” for a much closer look while they were applying for tax-exempt status. Bad idea.

DIDN’T WE KNOW SOME OF THIS? Yes. We knew before that the White House Counsel and members of her staff generally knew what was going down at the IRS before the final report was released. But she told other people in the White House as well — this is new. White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough and other senior Obama administration officials knew. But not the president. He found out when we all did about a week and a half ago — partly because it would be inappropriate to get in the report’s way before the investigation was finished and partly because things have a way of changing before they’re released.

theSKIMM: This update will probably not help the story go away faster. The IRS mess has brought on a lot of criticism, aimed mainly at the Obama administration, and Congressional hearings are already underway. Fun times.

REPEAT AFTER ME…
What to say when you see what’s taken out of your paycheck… Now I get where Apple comes from. The Fruit paid nearly $6 billion in taxes for 2012 but the only one who seems to think that amount is a big deal is its CEO Tim Cook, who’s in Washington today for a little chat. Apple and other companies have been accused of relying on offshore tax havens and accounts to hold profits, intellectual property, and its first-born iPod collection to lower its tax bills. Apple says it’s not relying on any “tax gimmicks” and its overseas funds have to do with overseas business. Cook will testify before a Senate subcommittee and push for corporate tax reform. The only reform the Senate wants to see is Apple paying a lot more in taxes. iCantAffordThis.

What to say while deciding where to order lunch from… I just want the quickest most Seamless experience possible. GrubHub read your mind and is now merging with its culinary competitor. GrubHub’s CEO announced that it will marry Seamless and become one — as in one giant company conquering the food industry. Last year the two companies processed an estimated $875 million in sales to restaurants. That is a lot of late night sushi. The future is now, it’s very hungry, and has a lot of ordering options.

What to say when you feel like someone’s watching you… Well, it is all the rage these days. According to the Washington Post, the Justice Department tracked the physical whereabouts of a Fox News reporter and got a search warrant to go through his emails during an investigation into a 2009 leak of info about North Korea. This comes about a week after news of the Justice Department’s secret subpoena for Associated Press reporters’ phone records over an investigation into a separate national security leak. Guess who doesn’t like being spied on more than the AP? Fox News.

What to say when you take on a new assignment… I promise not to screw it up. Yahoo committed itself to that uplifting pep talk while formally announcing its $1.1 billion purchase of Tumblr. The ‘hoo’s press release emphasized that “per the agreement and our promise not to screw it up, Tumblr will be independently operated as a separate business.” That means the porn will stay for now. Many devoted Tumblr users are worried Yahoo will ruin their social media haven in its efforts to monetize it. Yahoo wasn’t trying to hide the fact that its bought and messed up a few startups before, but it’s REALLY not trying to repeat history with this massive purchase. Some think it wants to use Tumblr to make itself cool again. You remember those days… when you couldn’t be on the phone and the Internet at the same time?

Purchsr.

THE STORY: Yahoo is down with the InterWebs and all you kids on your cells. To prove it, it’s buying Tumblr.

THE WHAT: According to the Wall Street Journal, Yahoo’s board approved the deal and will buy Tumblr for $1.1 billion. In cash. The purchase will give the ‘hoo a huge, engaged social network overnight. Users have an addiction problem with the platform — a big one. Addiction means advertising dollars, something Tumblr hasn’t quite figured out how to get on its own yet.

HELP ME EXPLAIN TUMBLR. If Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, WordPress and your middle school bulletin board had a baby, it would be called Tumblr. You may still use the other aforementioned sites and there’s no 140-character limit. And the site has 117 million unique users. Nbd. If Mark Zuckerberg made you feel bad about your college self, prepare to meet David Karp. Tumblr’s founder, now 26, started the site in 2007 out of his mom’s apartment. The only thing we’ve ever started at our mom’s is a fight or a kitchen fire.

theSKIMM: Yahoo’s new CEO Marissa Mayer is all about revitalizing the ‘hoo and ushering it into 2013, making up for lost years when social networks and mobile devices took over. This will be Yahoo’s largest acquisition since Mayer took over last year. One big obstacle? The very angry and vocal Tumblr users who aren’t quite as excited about a purchase as Mayer might be. Don’t worry, they took to Tumblr to complain.

REPEAT AFTER ME…
What to say to your rival… You’re just another thing in my way. The Indiana Pacers beat the New York Knicks to move on to the Eastern Conference Finals against the Miami Heat. The first game doesn’t start until Wednesday but the heat is already on. King James, as in Bron Bron, did not take kindly to Pacers coach Frank Vogel saying that the Pacers are approaching the next series as if “[the Heat is] just the next team that’s in our way.” James jumped on Vogel, saying: “We’re not just another team. I don’t understand what he’s saying. But we’re not just another team. It’s not true.” His Highness is touchy.

What to say when you get to the office early… Is everyone in a bad mood or is it just me? The CEO of The Associated Press called the government’s secrecy in seizing reporters’ phone records “unconstitutional” and said that the move had already had a chilling effect on journalism (read: sources won’t want to talk to AP journalists, which could lead to less reported news). Meanwhile, White House Senior Advisor Dan Pfeiffer used the Sunday talk shows to play a little defense against all the scandalous talk out there. On the subject of the IRS targeting some conservative groups while applying for tax-exempt status: “inexcusable” even if not illegal. And on the Benghazi attacks and aftermath: Republicans owe US Ambassador to the UN Susan Rice “an apology” for the things they said about her. Don’t think we’d hold our breath on that one.

What to say when you’re told to quit tapping your pen… I do what I want. North Korea has continued its annoying habit of stirring up international relations by launching a few short-range missiles over the weekend and today. It launched three on Saturday, another one yesterday, and two today — you know, just for kicks. These test launches aren’t uncommon but after NK’s recent months of talking smack about the US and South Korea (think threats of nuclear war), everyone is more than a little on edge. South Korea did not think highly of the weekend’s activities and urged NK to talk out its feelings. This one is definitely to be continued…

What to say while walking down the stairs… Even if I do trip in front of all these people, it won’t be worse than what happened last night. While performing at the Billboard Music Awards, singer Miguel had a very unfortunate case of restless leg syndrome. Hopefully he was wearing a jock strap — since he landed on a woman’s face. For real.

Guys, I got this

THE STORY: Three major scandals have made this a long week for President Obama. Yesterday he tried very hard to prove he’s keeping his cool, while showing off his much grayer hair.

The IRS
CATCH ME UP. A leaked report to the press last week revealed the IRS had targeted some conservative groups for extra scrutiny when they applied for tax-exempt status. The Justice Department is investigating and on Wednesday the acting commissioner of the IRS “resigned.”

WHAT’D BARRY SAY? I knew nothing until you guys told me! He was pretty sure of two things: 1. He didn’t know about it beforehand (although the White House counsel’s office did) 2. The IRS messed up big time and it’ll never happen again. He also appointed a new acting commissioner to head the IRS. His pick? The guy who managed the sequester. Someone buy this guy a drink stat.

THE AP
CATCH ME UP. The DOJ secretly and legally seized phone records from Associated Press reporters and editors, allegedly as a part of an investigation into a big leak about a foiled terror plot in Yemen. Some would like Obama & friends to reread the First Amendment.

WHAT’D BARRY SAY? Sorry I’m not sorry. He made no apologies for his administration doing what they had to do to investigate leaks that threaten national security. He also emphasized that as commander-in-chief he can’t have anything put the troops or intelligence offers abroad at risk. But to all the Lois Lanes out there, have no fear, because he still loves a free press that holds people accountable. Feel the love?

BENGHAZI
CATCH ME UP. The administration has been the subject of a lot of speculation that it misled the country about the attacks on 9/11/12 in Benghazi, Libya. The White House says no way and two days ago, it released internal emails to quiet the naysayers. Yesterday, it went a step further to stop the critics.

WHAT’D BARRY SAY? Time to beef up security at diplomatic facilities. Obama asked Congress to come together (ha) and learn the lessons from Benghazi by approving funds for a security increase. Some thought Obama was trying to turn the tables on his conservative critics; Democrats say the Republican-controlled House previously cut some funding to diplomatic and embassy security from Obama’s proposed budget. See what he just did there? House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) said better management, not more funding, is what is needed. He also said the controversies were a mark of “remarkable arrogance” by the Obama administration.

theSKIMM: No one is happier that it’s Friday than Barack Obama.

REPEAT AFTER ME…
What to say while daydreaming about summer… I’m on a boat. Not always a relaxing experience. Law officials say that the sole surviving Boston Marathon bombing suspect, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, scribbled a note inside the boat he was hiding in before his arrest. In the note, he reportedly takes responsibility for his role in the attack. Tsarnaev allegedly wrote that the Boston victims were “collateral damage” and that the attacks were retaliation for American actions against Muslims. Oh also that he would soon be joining his dead brother, Tamerlan, which didn’t really work out since Tsarnaev is now in a federal prison hospital.

What to say while at the gym… Finish strong and end it like Beckham. David Beckham, otherwise known as Posh’s husband, is retiring from soccer at the end of the season. He said it’s a good way to go out and that everyone wants to leave as a champion. Beckham has become one of the most iconic soccer players ever and a global superstar with mad money-making sponsorships. Beckham began with Manchester United and played for Real Madrid and the LA Galaxy (with a pit stop in Milan), winning lots of titles. He recently won his latest title with Paris Saint-Germain. Maybe now Beckham will have more time to do underwear campaigns? You know you thought it.

What to say when your computer makes those weird noises… Ahh! Why can’t you be a supercomputer?! Google, NASA and a research association have teamed up to buy a D-Wave quantum computer. The system only set them back $10 million (no word on if they got the extra warranty). It’s pretty much the Mac Daddy of all supercomputers since it’s way faster than the rest of them and is built to solve particular problems with quantum physics. It will be installed at a new Google lab, hosted by NASA, where scientists and researchers will use it to try to improve machine learning. This type of learning is when computers manage over time to create models of real world events that can be applied to things like tracking climate change, curing disease, improving air traffic control, and developing better voice recognition search systems. You know, stuff not on your MacBook. Even the Pro.

What to say when you make a mistake about Bea Arthur… Sh*t. Just don’t say this in Venezuela since the country is running out of toilet paper. No, seriously. The country is blaming political opponents for the shortage. It will now have to import 50 million rolls to stop supplies from being flushed. Shoppers frequently have to hunt for basic supplies and then stock up. According to economists, price controls meant to make basic goods available to the poor, which means that the prices for many products don’t even cover costs of production, and government controls on foreign currency, which make it harder to buy imports, are behind Venezuela’s shortages. Its scarcity index reached its highest level in years last month. Meanwhile, its drip-dry index has gone way up.

So, So Scandalous

THE STORY: The White House is facing down three escalating controversies: the AP, the IRS, and Benghazi. Updates are juicy, so stay awake.

THE AP
WHAT’S THE ISSUE AGAIN? Last year, the Justice Department seized some Associated Press reporters’ and editors’ phone records. The DOJ decided to keep this a secret for a while, although it had a subpoena to get the info, and told the AP about it late last week. The subpoena was part of an investigation into to whether a leak led to a May 2012 AP story about a CIA operation that foiled a Yemen terror plot. It was a big leak.

WHAT’S THE UPDATE? Lawmakers think the Obama administration ran right on over free speech and a free press. Ask House lawmakers what they had for lunch yesterday? Attorney General Eric Holder on a grill. Both Republican and Democratic congressmen were less than pleased that Holder couldn’t answer why the subpoena to get the records was so broad and why the DOJ didn’t just ask the AP first. Holder reminded lawmakers that he wasn’t in charge — he had recused himself from government leak probe and let his deputy handle it.

AN ANGRY PRESS IS BAD. Yes. Very. The press is upset that this will make it harder for them to get sources to talk. The White House is trying to show it feels their pain by saying it wants to revive legislation that would give journalists legal protection when they don’t want to give up their sources, in the form of a media shield law. It’s the equivalent of getting a cookie to be quiet in this case.

THE IRS
WHAT’S THE ISSUE AGAIN? The IRS targeted some conservative groups for extra scrutiny while applying for tax-exempt status. The DOJ launched an investigation into what went on. No one is happy with the tax man.

WHAT’S THE UPDATE? A very mad President Obama came out to talk about it and called the IRS’s conduct “inexcusable” no matter which side of the aisle you’re on. He accepted the “resignation” of the acting IRS commissioner and promised new safeguards so this never happens again. Ever. And the White House and Congress are going to work together — hand in hand — to get this fixed. This should be fun to watch.

BENGHAZI
WHAT’S THE ISSUE AGAIN? On 9/11/12, attacks in Benghazi, Libya, including one at the US consulate, killed four Americans. In TV interviews days after, US Ambassador to the UN Susan Rice said the attacks were from a protest over an anti-Islam film and not terrorism. The attacks were, in fact, the result of terrorism, as the White House kind of called it, so Rice’s talking points set off a firestorm. It all raised questions that someone was hiding something leading up to the election. The White House was pretty sure it called it an act of terror. Semantics.

WHAT’S THE UPDATE? The White House gave into the big time pressure and decided to release the chain of administration emails about the controversial Benghazi talking points to try to show it didn’t hide the fact that the attacks were terrorism and that it was going off of what it knew at the time. The emails suggest that the CIA made the original set of talking points and then edited down through a long, long email chain with intelligence and administration officials to a final version without direct references to a terror group. The emails also indicate some higher ups at the CIA weren’t loving the final talking points. The decision by the administration to release them, after months of saying they were private, shows a real effort to shut this whole thing down. Good luck.

theSKIMM: It’s a bad week to be president. None of this is going away anytime soon, which means it’s going to be hard for President Obama to think — or talk — about anything else.

REPEAT AFTER ME…
What to say when you have deja vu… Did this already happen or did Google just read my mind again? The Big G is back at it—leaving us slightly scared how much it knows and maybe a bit thankful. At an annual conference yesterday, it brought the goods. Ever imagined a “radio without rules?” Google has launched a streaming music service. You can pay for it with your Google Wallet which will now be in your Gmail so you can send money as an attachment. Dangerous. G is still trying to make Google Plus happen and did a major revamp but really brought us home (literally) with a new Google Maps. Maps will now be personalized based on your history and can offer you coupons wherever you want to go. Stalker. And now your search bar will be able to converse online with you, tell you if you’re going to miss your train, and read your mind. Is it single? This was probably not a good day for Apple, Spotify, and anyone who ever bullied Larry Page as a child.

What to say to your work rival… I’m about to one-up you, but just sit back and watch how it’s done. Israel warned Syria that it was thinking about continuing military strikes against the country but told Syria not to even think about retaliating. Israel is very concerned that advanced weapons are going to make their way out of Syria and into the hands of militants who want to hurt Israel. There have been a few targeted military strikes already in Syria, believed to come from Israel but not officially confirmed. Yesterday Israel said that it was considering more of them but “If Syrian President Assad reacts by attacking Israel, or tries to strike Israel through his terrorist proxies [he] will risk forfeiting his regime, for Israel will retaliate.” Got that?

What to say while looking at pics from the Cannes film festival… How’d all those stars get their hair not to frizz in the rain? Locks of Love is having slightly more serious hair problems. The famed charity, which makes hair pieces for needy children who have medical problems that lead to hair loss, has come under scrutiny. A watchdog group has called into question $6 million of hair donations missing from the non-profit. It’s not that the money was definitely stolen but it reportedly can’t be tracked. Very few donated hair can actually be used to make a wig for someone, but reportedly the charity does not track how much hair is donated, used, or sold. Then again that’s a lot of hair to organize. A truly hairy situation. Had to. (h/t Phuong Mai)

What to say when the air conditioner breaks… Ugh. Can’t beat the heat! The Miami Heat beat the Chicago Bulls in a feisty series to go on to the Eastern Conference finals. Next up, King James and the Heat will try to conquer the winner of the New York Knicks v. Indiana Pacers series. The Pacers lead 3-1 so LeBron will probably be taking his talents to Indiana.

What to say when a friend’s heart is true … You’re a pal and a confidant. But why do I have a naked picture of you? Oh Bea Arthur, we miss you but are confused why you posed for this. Upside? Her golden girls were worth nearly $2 million.

Things that are giving Eric a headache

The IRS
THE STORY: Attorney General Eric Holder has launched a criminal investigation into the IRS’s tax-exemption scandal. Turns out that the extra scrutiny of some conservative groups’ tax-exempt applications was a bad idea or “intolerable,” as Obama put it.

WHAT’D ERIC SAY? That there are a lot of statutes within the IRS code (yawn) and they’re checking out whether laws were violated. The IRS apologized last week for targeting certain groups (think “tea party” and “patriot”). An investigative report found that the scandal was more widespread than thought (read: if you criticized government spending, you didn’t get expedited service) and execs knew about what was going down for a while. An inspector general has blamed lax management.

theSKIMM: This is the most serious escalation of the scandal so far and pretty much guarantees the IRS isn’t making new friends anytime soon. Consider for a second how popular it was before.

Journalists
THE STORY: Holder says he was not involved in the Justice Department’s decision to secretly seize phone records of reporters and editors at The Associated Press.

WHAT’D ERIC SAY? It wasn’t me. The decision to get the phone records came down from a Deputy Attorney General instead. Why? Because Eric recused himself to avoid a conflict of interest.

WHAT WAS THE CONFLICT? Eric had already been interviewed about a CIA leak regarding a foiled terrorist plot in Yemen that the AP wrote about last year. The probe into the phone records was allegedly part of the investigation into how the leak got out. Eric said yesterday that the leak was one of the more serious he’s seen and defended the DOJ. He also used the word ‘hyperbole’ so he clearly meant business.

theSKIMM: The AP scandal has shocked even Washington, with many concerned that the Obama administration is getting a little too close for comfort when it comes to privacy rights.

REPEAT AFTER ME…
What to say while watching James Bond… He was a lot better than the guy caught by Russian officials. Russia says it has arrested a CIA officer it believes was trying to recruit a Russian counterterrorism officer to spy for America. The spy, identified as Ryan Christopher Fogle, has been declared persona non grata and was ordered out of the country. The Federal Security Service — a new and improved version of the KGB — says Fogle had been working undercover as a diplomat and was caught in a blond wig with lots of cash, special equipment, a compass, and written instructions for his recruit. A very 1970s spy kit. So far, the US has been mum. The spy game comes at an awkward time, as Russia and the US are trying to mend fences and bring the clashing sides in Syria together for an international sit down. It doesn’t look like either side wants to make this a big thing.

What to say when someone asks why your BF is so quiet… He just chooses his words carefully. This is what Sergey Brin, the big G’s co-founder, said was the upside to work-wife and Google CEO Larry Page’s voice issues. For the first time, Page explained the struggles that have at times made him avoid public speaking. Page has a rare and chronic, yet non life-threatening, health problem that makes him speak hoarsely and constricts his breathing. One of his vocal cords was paralyzed years ago and the other was weakened during a cold last summer. Page also revealed that he has Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, a thyroid condition, although it’s unclear whether it’s related to his vocal cord paralysis. After the death of Steve Jobs, many wondered whether Google was hiding a sick CEO since Page had missed some public events, and there was a bunch of chatter about an exec’s responsibility to reveal health issues.

What to say when you’re opening your credit card bill… That was less painful than expected. According to a new government report, the US budget will shrink to $642 billion this year. That’s a good thing. It’s the smallest shortfall we’ve had in five years and a big improvement from last year’s $1.1 trillion deficit. We can thank higher taxes (if you didn’t have to pay them) as well as a big ol’ payment from Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac for the good news. This will help push back the deadline for raising the government’s debt ceiling (borrowing limit) this year. Not feeling so hot about a financial outlook? The euro zone, whose economy contracted some more this year. France has now joined Italy in a recession. Merde.

What to say when you don’t want to go to work… I’d like to call out due to exhaustion, but I’m worried people will think I’m pregs. Welcome to Queen Bey’s life–kind of. Rumors are flying that Beyonce may have a Bug a Boo in the oven. She canceled a show in Belgium due to exhaustion, fueling reports that there might be a sequel to Blue Ivy, her and Jay-Z’s baby girl. If true, maybe the new Aaliyah song (yes, with never before heard vocals — it’s possible) can help put her little ones to sleep. It’s a collaboration with Chris Brown though, so maybe not.

Things that are controversial

Snooping
THE STORY: The Justice Department secretly obtained two months worth of phone records for reporters and editors at The Associated Press. The AP had no idea and is very mad.

WHO GOT SERVED? Certain AP reporters and editors had their office, cell, and home phone records seized in early 2012 through a secret subpoena they didn’t know anything about. Info was also grabbed from some in DC, NY, and CT, as were the main numbers for some covering congress.

WHY THE SECRECY? The DOJ broke the news to the AP on Friday but didn’t give a reason for the snooping. Meanwhile, the DOJ has been looking into how classified info about the CIA stopping a terror plot in Yemen got leaked to the AP last year. Coincidence? The AP thinks definitely not and demanded the phone records be returned and all copies destroyed.The DOJ said relax, this was done by the book.

theSKIMM: The Obama administration has been very keen on having the DOJ find and punish leakers. The AP said that there was no justification for these actions, which were a “serious interference” with its constitutional right to tell the news. Others said this incident was more aggressive than other investigations have been and reminded them of something that would happen under a president called “Tricky Dick.” Ouch.

Kermit Gosnell
THE STORY: A jury found Dr. Kermit Gosnell, a 72-year-old abortion provider, guilty of three counts of first-degree murder, among other charges including involuntary manslaughter in the death of a female patient. He could face the death penalty.

WHAT WAS HE ACCUSED OF? Mainly killing babies by using scissors to cut their spinal cords. Ugh. Some of the babies were allegedly born alive and viable during the third trimester. The defense denied any baby was born alive. Unless the mother’s health is at risk, abortions are illegal past 24 weeks in Pennsylvania, where Gosnell practiced. Authorities said he preyed on poor, minority women. The defense said Gosnell was giving health care to the poor and those without insurance, and called the prosecution “elitist.”

theSKIMM: The trial over Gosnell’s “house of horrors” (seriously, some scary stuff) had some gruesome testimonies about late-term abortions gone wrong. The mainstream media was accused of not covering this Jodi Arias-style, in order to help the case for abortion rights advocates. Anti-abortion advocates used the case to say abortion is wrong, while abortion rights advocates used the case as a warning for why regulated abortions need to be available.

REPEAT AFTER ME…
What to say at drinks with girlfriends… Angelina Jolie — always surprising. The actress revealed in a New York Times op-ed this morning that she decided to get a double mastectomy as a preventive measure. Jolie carries the BRCA1 gene which sharply increases her risk of breast cancer and ovarian cancer. Her mother died after a long battle with ovarian cancer, which influenced her decision. She thanked her partner, Brad Pitt, for all of his support. Jolie said her choice in no way “diminishes her femininity”. Definitely not — the woman wore a vial of blood and was still feminine. A big thanks to Jolie for sharing her story.

What to say while waiting for your tax refund… Hope the IRS didn’t hold up direct deposits, too. Facing a lot of Republican anger, President Obama called the alleged targeting of conservative groups by the IRS “outrageous” and promised that those who did it would get what’s coming to them. That was said right before it came out that the current and former heads of the IRS knew last May that the agency targeted some conservative groups based on their names but kept quiet. Groups with “tea party” and “patriot” in their names, along with others, were flagged for extra scrutiny when they applied for tax-exempt status. All of this is really making Obama’s day.

What to say when you go on a Zara shopping spree… Where was this shirt made and were workers’ rights protected? Inditex, the parent company of Zara, and H&M were among the first of the world’s largest retailers to announce that they would sign a legally binding agreement that finances fire and safety improvements in Bangladeshi factories that they use. The hope is that even more Western retailers will feel the pressure to make some change. The move comes three weeks after a building collapse in a factory killed at least 1,100. Bangladesh depends a LOT on garment exports, as some of our favorite brands use Bangladeshi factories for the good prices, but its worker conditions have come under a ton of much-needed scrutiny lately. Over the weekend, Bangladesh said its minimum wage (the lowest in the world) would be raised. Some “deals” are definitely not worth it.

What to say while trolling the self-help aisle… I really miss Dr. Joyce Brothers. The popular TV psychologist and columnist passed away yesterday at the age of 85. Dr. Joyce Brothers — because you always called her by her full name (she was no Dr. Phil) — dove into topics many didn’t dare to take on at the time (sex, relationships, family), which made her a pop culture icon known as the mother of mass-media psychology. She also talked suicidal callers on her radio show out of ending their lives. Some in her field didn’t like that she offered advice without knowing a person’s background but we don’t remember their full names. Dr. Joyce Brothers got her start when she was on “The $64,000 Question,” which she won, giving hope to game show contestants everywhere.

What NOT to say when you get new Warby Parker glasses… I look so hipster — these will go great with my red flannel shirt. The actuality of the situation is they probably won’t. Ergo, people will probably not like you. Turns out hipsters don’t have that many friends outside of their fellow hipsters. Public Policy Polling has found, in a questionably scientific way, that 42% of Americans do not like hipsters at all and 27% of voters think they should be required to pay a special tax for “being so annoying.” If you’re constantly trying to tie your scarf in ironic ways, Uncle Sam wants you.

Things that may be tracking you

Bloomberg
THE STORY: Bloomberg LP confirmed that its journalism division, Bloomberg News, took subscribers’ private info through the company’s data terminals to break news. The Treasury and the Fed are looking into what went down. Journalism 101 says this was a bad idea.

HOW’D THEY DO IT? Allegedly hundreds of reporters have used the terminals to monitor when subscribers logged onto the service and check out what types of functions they had looked at — like news wires, corporate bond trades, etc. They’ve supposedly been doing this for years. No reporters have been fired. Some reports suggest Bloomberg has known about this since 2011.

HOW DID WE FIND OUT? A Bloomberg reporter was asking about a Goldman Sachs partner’s employment status and, while talking to an exec, dropped that the partner had not logged onto his Bloomberg terminal lately. Whoops. Goldman complained because it was weird. Bloomberg said it was all a mistake and shut down journalists’ access. Sorry was not enough since government regulators would like to know more.

WHERE ARE THESE TERMINALS? In pretty much every banking and trading company. Subscribers use the desktop computers to research, chat with their fellow finance friends, and to access to a constant flow of financial info. The terminals account for the bulk of Bloomberg’s revenue. Think billions.

theSKIMM: No one likes to be secretly watched. The incident leads to bigger concerns that Bloomberg can’t separate its newsroom and terminal businesses, which is not good for either.

The IRS
THE STORY: The IRS apologized for targeting some conservative groups with “tea party” or “patriot” in their names. Certain groups who sought tax-exempt status did in fact have their applications delayed. An inspector general is looking into it. Sometimes another word for ‘paranoia’ is ‘truth.’

WHAT’S THIS ALL ABOUT? The IRS says the delays were just a bad way of dealing with a flood of tax-exempt status applications in 2010-2012 (election time). An upcoming report says IRS officials knew about the targeting of certain groups, which involved extra scrutiny in the form of really long questionnaires and asking for donor info, as early as 2011. No group has had its tax-exempt status revoked but some withdrew their applications.

HMM IS THERE A POLITICAL STORY HERE? Why yes! Some conservatives had accused the IRS of doing just this for a while. They’re having an ‘I-told-you-so’ moment. An IRS official says that while these actions were definitely inappropriate, they were not politically motivated.

ANYTHING ELSE? The IRS didn’t seem too prepared for the flak it would get about this. The official who oversees tax-exempt statuses said, while trying to do some addition, that she is “not good at math.” We can relate but then again we don’t handle your tax returns.

theSKIMM: GOP lawmakers want a full investigation into the IRS’s actions. The White House said the IRS runs independently but wants someone to look into what went down. To be continued…

REPEAT AFTER ME…
What to say when you get a new boss… You look familiar, have we met before? Some Pakistanis may wonder this as Nawaz Sharif appears to be the likely winner of their elections. Sharif has been PM before and was ousted in a 1999 coup, spent some time in jail and then in exile. Talk about not giving up. The comeback kid didn’t get a full majority but did better than his rivals, who called for investigations of voter-fraud. Elections are no small feat in the country that has dealt with weak coalitions and seen lots of violence recently, including on election day. Sharif is looking to fix Pakistan’s collapsing economy STAT. Good luck.

What to say when someone breaks up with you… I have some tough questions to ask you, Barbara Walters-style. The legend that is Baba Wawa is retiring. Walters, 83, is set to announce her plans for retirement in 2014 later today. She will continue to executive produce “The View.” In a preview of the announcement, Walters said she was looking to have some fun. Look out world.

What to say when you can’t sleep… I just need Seth Meyers in my bed. Your late night TV watching just got a Weekend Update. NBC officially announced what we’ve all been waiting for–Seth Meyers will take over Jimmy Fallon’s “Late Night” show since Jimmy is taking over “The Tonight Show” from Mr. Leno. Meyers said he was “aware of the history” of his job (otherwise known as “‘one day you’ll get the ‘Tonight Show too’”).

What people are horrified by… A shooting at a Mother’s Day parade in New Orleans. At least 19 people, including children, were injured. The shooting happened during a “second-line” parade–a very common occurrence in the Big Easy–where a group of people follows a brass band. Shots were likely fired from more than one weapon and police reportedly saw three people flee the scene.

What to say when your coworker is a close talker… You are violating my personal space, stop. Turkey has a bone to pick with its warring neighbor Syria. Turkey blamed its neighbor for two car bomb explosions that went off in a border town over the weekend. The blasts killed at least 46 people. Turkey said Syria was trying to destabilize it and the blasts were the work of a terrorist group connected to Syrian intelligence. Syria said no way and that Turkey has actually made Syria more violent by aiding some of the rebels trying to oust President Assad. Turkey is trying very, very hard not to become involved in Syria’s civil war, but it’s easier said than done, as ethnic clashes are a scary concern, refugees are looking for a place to go, and violence continues to cross the border. Turkey said it was time for the world to make the war end. Dear Russia and the US — how’s that peace plan going?

Things that happened to money

It got confusing
THE STORY: One dollar can now buy more yen. Hear that? Could be an economy improving.

theSKIMM: The US dollar went through the “100 yen” mark, meaning $1 can now buy over 100 yen. The slight strengthening of the dollar may be a sign that the market thinks the US economy looks a little better, especially after a new report of the lowest unemployment claims in five years.

WAIT WHAT ABOUT JAPAN? Normally a weakened exchange rate could be a little alarming, but for Japan it could be a good thing. It could be a sign its economy might be able to recover. Japan has faced deflation–very low prices (not in a fun way)–for over a decade, but it’s PM recently introduced a way to put a lot more money in the economy with the hopes of boosting things. In the long run, the weaker yen could make Japanese exports more competitive globally. More exports mean more of a stimulus boost. By making the yen weaker, their Toyota seems cheaper to foreigners than maybe a Ford or a Volkswagen. That drives export sales, manufacturing jobs, growth, and maybe then a happy Japan. Yay.

It got stolen
THE STORY: Danny Ocean was put to shame. A worldwide gang of criminals, without masks or guns, were able to steal $45 million from thousands of global ATMs in a matter of hours using laptops and the Interwebs. Feds charged members of the New York ring.

BUT HOW?! The heist involved two operations with people in more than two dozen countries coordinating together. Maybe the UN could learn something here. The crooks hacked into international banks’ credit card processing firms and withdrew money from ATMs. They would then launder the money through things like bling and a Mercedes or two. NY federal prosecutors unsealed an indictment yesterday charging eight members of the NY crew (who stole $2.4 million!) including its ringleader who was found dead in the Dominican Republic.

theSKIMM: Authorities said this was one of the most sophisticated (and best pulled off) cyberattacks ever uncovered. And we’re ready to see the movie version.

REPEAT AFTER ME…
What to say to your rival… I can do anything you can do better. I can do anything better than you. As Amazon looks to edge out the Google and the Apple, it’s expanding into hardware beyond the Kindle. The Wall Street Journal reported that the e-commerce giant has been working on some new gadgets including two smartphones and a streaming audio device. One of those gadgets is a high-end smartphone with a 3D screen. But how?! Well, with retina-tracking technology, images on the phone will look like they’re floating above the screen in a hologram of sorts. Users will also be able to navigate using just their eyes. Make it stop! The smartphones will put Amazon in a crowded market. Drop dates depend on how well these things actually perform as no one likes a disappointing premature release.

What to say when your boyfriend drools over the Maxim Hot 100 list… I’ll give you a one night pass with #69. Really. Manti Te’o's girlfriend — the fake one — has taken that slot in Maxim’s annual list of the world’s hottest women. The mag justifies the pick (complete with a picture of an empty, floating black bikini) by saying that an invisible girl might be nice to love since she has a lot of great features, like “looking awesome in a bikini.” It’s official — the joke’s dead.

What to say when you see a zigzag you love… Sigh, makes me want a Missoni. Ottavio Missoni, who founded the iconic fashion brand along with his wife, passed away yesterday at the age of 92. Tai, as his friends called him, was also a track-and-field star and met his wife while competing in the London Olympics in 1948 and he still holds the national record for the 400-meter for a 16-year-old. The “color genius” launched a cutting-edge brand and built a lasting family business that was the first to show us that zigzags and polka dots do go together. Sadly, Missoni’s son mysteriously disappeared a few months ago after take off near Venezuela. He once named his favorite pastimes — sleeping and reading — and preferred to work in places “ideal for passing the weekend.” Yeah, we would have gotten along just fine.

What to say when your friend takes pics of her food… Are you mentally ill?

SKIMM’RS OF THE WEEK: Skimm moms — Barbi Zakin (New York, NY) and Gabrielle Weisberg (Chicago, IL) — for putting up with us. And saving us money on an in-house PR team. Happy Mother’s Day!

Things that are on the morning shows

Jodi Arias
THE STORY: Jodi Arias was found guilty of first-degree murder for the death of her on/off again boyfriend, Travis Alexander, in Arizona in 2008. Arias says she prefers the death penalty. For real.

CATCH ME UP. The case has all the makings of a hit CW show — jealousy, manipulation, kinky sex, scandalous pictures, and violence — which made people obsessed with it. Alexander was stabbed multiple times, shot in the head, and had his throat slit. Arias killed him — for sure — but she said it was in self-defense after he attacked her. Prosecutors said it was definitely planned out. Many thought she was a liar (and looked better as a blonde). It seems the jury did too.

WHAT’S NEXT? The jury now has to decide if she will live or die — death penalty or life in prison. In a jailhouse interview last night, Arias said she’d rather die because she believes “death is the ultimate freedom.” Ok then.

theSKIMM: Arias is the new Casey Anthony. This was likely the most-watched murder trial this year. You will continue to hear lots about her.

Cleveland
THE STORY: Ariel Castro was charged with kidnapping Amanda Berry, Michelle Knight, and Gina DeJesus. He was also charged with holding them all (plus Amanda’s daughter born in captivity) for about a decade. And he faces rape charges. The women escaped from his home on Monday. Castro’s brothers were arrested but have not been charged.

WHO IS THIS GUY? Castro, a 52-year-old former bus driver, has previously been accused of attacking his ex-wife. Although she had custody of their children, her lawyer alleged that Castro “frequently abducts daughters and keeps them from mother.” Red flag, anyone?! His other hobbies apparently included attending vigils for at least one of the missing girls over the years.

ANYTHING ELSE? Yes and it’s all gruesome. Police said the women suffered multiple miscarriages and were abused. According to some reports, the women were rarely allowed outside — like twice — and kept in separate rooms. Ropes and chains were found in the house.

SAY SOMETHING TO MAKE ME SMILE. Berry and DeJesus went home for the first time in almost ten years yesterday.

REPEAT AFTER ME…
What to say when you disagree with your boss… I’m telling Congress! Witnesses gave the first public accounts of the attacks in Benghazi, Libya to Congress yesterday. Four Americans, including an ambassador, were killed in two attacks at a US consulate and CIA complex in September. Up for debate is how the Obama administration handled the attack and what they called it–a terrorist attack or not. Yesterday, one of the ‘whistle-blowers’ fought back tears as he recounted what happened and his embarrassment when the attacks were initially blamed on a protest rather than terrorism. Dems say these hearings are politically motivated and meant to damage a potential Hillz-for-prez situation; Republicans say the Obama administration hasn’t been up front.

What people are horrified by… Another fire in a Bangladeshi garment factory. Two weeks after a factory collapse and fire killed more than 900 in Bangladesh, another factory problem has happened. At least eight people have been killed. The previous disaster put a much-needed spotlight on the poor working conditions in the country which depends heavily on the garment industry.

What to say when you snooze your way through gym time… Welp, even Coke is telling me to watch my weight, time to get moving. Coca-Cola announced that it will offer low and no-calorie drinks in all of its markets and put calorie counts on the front of its packaging, in case you need a reminder that soda can leave you with a little bit more to love. And if you blame your soda addiction on growing up with it in the house, your children won’t have the same excuse. Coke will now really stop marketing to kids under 12 all over the world and encourage physical activity programs. This is one way to silence some critics that tie the company to obesity rates. Now it’ll just be tied to diet resentment.

What to say when you look at your bank statement… I need a bailout. Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) feels you and proposed a piece of legislation that would help with student loans. Her thinking? If big banks can get bailouts, so can students: “If the Federal Reserve can float trillions of dollars to large financial institutions at low-interest rates to grow the economy, surely they can float the Department of Education the money to fund our students [and] grow our middle class.” Because student loan rates are about to get higher this summer, her plan recommends students get to borrow at the same rate (read: a nice rate) big banks borrow from the Fed for one year, while the government works on a longer term overhaul. Some critics said comparing students to banks was like comparing apples and oranges. Apparently at a very overpriced farmers market.

Things that involve more people than you thought…

Syria
THE STORY: Russia and the US are going to plan a conference to end the Syrian civil war. Best of luck. Meanwhile, a Syrian rebel group took four UN peacekeepers near Israel.

theSKIMM: The peacekeepers were taken along the UN-patrolled border between Israel and Syria. The rebels said they weren’t kidnapping them, they were just saving their lives, since there are so many violent clashes due to the ongoing conflict nearby. The UN did not send a thank you note. Meanwhile, US Sec. of State John Kerry headed to Russia to chat about Syria. Russia and Syria’s President Assad are close friends, and the US supports the opposition trying to oust him, but the international community would like to see an end to a conflict that has killed at least 70,000 and has started to rile up neighbors. They’d like to see peace start soon but haven’t released specifics on how their plan will actually work. This is not really one of those times where it’s the thought that counts.

Cleveland
THE STORY: The amazing rescue of the three Cleveland girls found alive in the same house is getting more complicated. And disturbing.

theSKIMM: Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus, and Michelle Knight were held captive for nearly a decade. The girls did not escape the house alone, they left with a six-year-old girl, believed to be Berry’s daughter born during the ordeal. Local reports say the suspects — three brothers — beat and raped the women, resulting in multiple pregnancies, which did not appear to survive. After an amazing rescue, involving Amanda finding a neighbor and calling 911, police are looking into why they were kept in the house and why no one knew they were there. Gina was apparently childhood friends with a relative of one of the suspects, who had once comforted her mother over her disappearance. Authorities had tried to enter the home in ’04 to chat with one of the suspects about an unrelated matter but couldn’t get inside, so left. Cops had apparently also been called about complaints of yelling and a neighbor seeing a naked woman in the backyard. One extra upside to the girls being found: we’ve discovered this guy.

REPEAT AFTER ME…
What to say when someone steals your thunder… It was not yours to take. And now I’m going to sue you. Dr. Phil, who has made a career talking with people about their problems, has managed to make the Manti Te’o fake girlfriend story even more dramatic. The guy who created Te’o's fake gf, Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, sat down with the good doctor in a two-part interview. The dramatic cliffhanger for the second part was that Ronaiah might do “the voice” — the creepy one where he sounded like a girl who fooled Te’o. Dr. Phil’s production company, Peteski Productions, is claiming that Deadspin, owned by Gawker Media, committed copyright infringement by airing portions of the interview before the show aired in all markets. Gawker said Dr. Phil was just blaming them for his ratings success. Nice spin.

What to say when you really want that morning doughnut… Chris Christie would yell at you — no, really, he’d probably yell. Word is out that the New Jersey governor known for being large and in charge, may not be so large anymore, since he secretly underwent lap-band surgery in February. Christie agreed to get it done for his wife and kids after doing some reflecting on his 50th birthday last year. He has previously joked about his weight, as have many others. Some have said it was the one thing keeping him from higher office (like an Oval one). He said the slim down — he’s lost about 30 pounds so far — is not because of a presidential bid and told the New York Post that it’s “so much more important than that.” A lap-band involves putting an adjustable band that will help him limit food intake. It has not been proven to elect presidents, but never say never.

What to say at drinks with girlfriends… Sara Blakely, the billionaire mogul who made it all from making bodies look seamless and feel stuffed, is joining a boys’ club. The Spanx founder, who still owns 100% of her company, has become the first female billionaire to join the Giving Pledge. This does not mean she is giving away her Power Spanx for free. Instead, Blakely is joining Bill Gates and Warren Buffett’s Pledge to give at least half of their wealth to charity. The Gates Foundation announced Blakely’s commitment, along with eight others, which brings the grand total to 114 very rich people giving since the Pledge started in 2010. After appearing on Forbes’ Billionaires list at 42 (the youngest self-made woman on the list), Gates called her and asked her to dinner. No word on who picked up that check.

What to say about your cheating ex… As much as it pains me to say this, he may just be a winner. Former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford — the one who created a new excuse for philanderers everywhere by “hiking on the Appalachian Trail” while he was actually with his mistress in Argentina — is now the newest congressman in SC. The conservative managed to beat out Democrat Elizabeth Colbert Busch (yes, that Colbert) in a special election for the seat. And he did it with a lot, a lot of baggage. His ex-wife recently complained that he had been trespassing. But Sanford managed to say he was sorry enough and would vote down proposals on gun background checks and immigration. Looking forward to “The Colbert Report” on this one.